Another Day

I received one of the books I ordered - its called "When There Are No Words" its pretty interesting, it seems to make sense as to how a person feels when they are grieving- the fact that even breathing seems to be so hard. How driving a car is hard for a grieving person, all the things I am feeling. Talking and listening (not) to people - its like you are on remote control. Its not a big book so I think I will get through it. I am scared that I won't get over the grief. How long will people put up with such a depressing person.....I don't have much to say today so I will leave you with words from a song my daughter in law sent to me.

Never Forgotten - Jessica Andrews

I’ll always see your face

The corner of your smile

And all the little things that no one will ever know

Like it was yesterday, won’t ever fade away

Goodbye is just a word that I will never say

You will never be forgotten

A million days could pass us by

But what is time but just a dream

Oh I still feel you here with me

You’re more than just a memory

Oh you will never be forgotten

I can‘t hold your hand

Or look into your eyes

And when I talk to you

It just echoes in my mind

But If hearts are made of dust

And if we fell from the stars

I look up tonight and know just where you are

You will never be forgotten

A million days could pass us by

But what is time but just a dream

Oh I still feel you here with me

You’re more than just a memory

Oh you will never be forgotten

And the world just keeps on going

It has no way of knowing

That you’re gone

You will never be forgotten

A million days could pass us by

But what is time but just a dream

Oh I still feel you here with me

You’re more than just a memory

Oh you will never be forgotten

I Love You Mom

Not much to say today - I did get the price on the headstone so we are going to go with it. I went to work and I find that driving is the worst time for me - for no reason I start crying while I am driving.....I never knew that death could be so hard on the people left here - maybe because Mom was my best friend - infact she was my only friend! I just feel so darn lost - I feel bad if I laugh about something, I can't sit still - I just need to be busy all the time which isn't me because my favorite thing to do was to come home and lay on the sofa with my doggies - they know something is up too. At least I can say I have made it through another day. It will be 2 weeks Wednesday at 3:15am since my Mom left this world - I just hope she is happy in heaven! I love you Mom!

Monday

I made it through the day - wasn't sure I would. Today was a day that I cried over everything - my mind just keeps going back to the night my Mom passed. I can't get the image out of my mind - I wish I could have stopped it from happening, I wish I had been a better daughter - I wish for so many things! I wish I could have traded places with her - we used to talk about death and I always said I had to go first because I couldn't handle losing her, she'd say No the parent needs to go first......
I want this all to be a nightmare, please let me wake up and find out Mom is OK. I know things have to get better. I ordered a couple of books on how to deal with the death of your Mother - I hope it helps! I want to be happy that Mom is not in pain and she is with her Mom and Dad but I am selfish (I have always been) I want my Mommy! I wish I could sound happy and glad that I'm alive but I can't. Am I nuts? Maybe, probably!

Your Mother Is Always With You

Your Mother Is Always With You

Your mother is always with you...
She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street.
She's the smell of bleach in your freshly laundered socks.
She's the cool hand on your brow when you're not well.
Your mother lives inside your laughter. She's crystallized in every tear drop...
She's the place you came from,your first home.. She's the map you follow with every step that you take.
She's your first love and your first heartbreak....and nothing on earth can separate you.
Not time, Not space...Not even death....will ever separate you from your mother....
You carry her inside of you....
- Author Unknown.

Twins

Today my youngest son and his wife had me over to celebrate the girls 3rd birthday.....It was supposed to be last Sunday but they had postponed it because I wasn't getting home until Sunday Night from Florida. I sure thought that was nice of them. The girls are getting so big, and so is their big brother Elijah. My other grandchildren, Katie and Zachary were there - I couldn't believe how much Zach has grown (he is almost 4 mths old).....Katie had seen Great Gramma in a dream last week and she said Gram has wings and is an Angel......that made me feel good - I can't say I have been a big believer in the after life but what a good feeling to think that Mom is up in Heaven and she already has her wings. Mom couldn't walk before she passed away because of Polio and I have been thinking that Mom is probably running and in no pain but now I can see her as an Angel and I know she must be loving it.....

Funeral Homes and Headstones

Well today I went to the Funeral Home to find out how I go about having the cemetery plot opened in Mid April so we can have Mom's ashes buried. They were so helpful to me during this really stressful time. Then I had to go to the Memorial store and get a headstone - my gosh there are so many choices but I knew what I wanted because I had gone to the cemetery yesterday and took pictures of my Grandfather's headstone - now I just need to wait for the store to go to the cemetery and measure, etc. So, it looks like I will need to have Mom's ashes shipped to CT in April so my sons, their wives and children can join my husband and I at the cemetery.....Mom chose not to have a wake or funeral - she always said "see me when I'm alive not when I'm dead" so I'm just going to have my family join us to say good bye to the best woman in the world.
She really raised my sons - I was a single Mom for many years and Mom always watched them for me - in fact when I worked two jobs I went to work at 8am and didn't come home until 10pm the boys slept at her house and came home on weekends. The reason my two sons grew up to be such wonderful men is all because of my Mom.
I am feeling so depressed today - I thought after all the crying I had done over the past three weeks that I could move on but today is the day I am remembering everything my Mom meant to me - I loved her so much and I just don't know how to move on. People act as if I should be over it - "she was 78 - she lived a long life" 78 is not that old (now that I am 52) she didn't have to die, she was murdered by the HealthCare we have for the elderly - I want to scream and kick and what I really feel like doing is to roll into a ball and die!
I hear people talk about their parents and what pains they are and how forgetful they have become and I would give anything to have my Mom here and able to be a pain! How do I get though this? How do I go on? I know I have to because I have grandchildren and I love them but I know I cannot ever be as good a mother or grandmother as my Mom - It sounds like I am making my Mom out to be a saint but to me she was. We talked every night of the week and we enjoyed it - it wasn't an obligation for me to call - I looked forward to talking to her and hearing about her day......Oh well, I think I'm just going to go for a walk and try to clear my head.

Lady Lake Specialty Rehab

I have decided that I need to write about the death of my Mother - Trudy L. Mom was a great woman and she died way to soon because of the care given to the elders of our great USA!

On December 16, 2007 my Mom got sick and was admitted to The Villages Regional Hospital in The Villages, Florida. She was there only a few days but because she had Polio when she was younger and could no longer walk, she needed to go to Lady lake Specialty Rehab to build up her arm muscles so she could move from her scooter to her bed, etc.

I talked to her every evening but noticed that she seemed to be getting weaker each day. She was tired and she just didn't feel well. After 13 days my sister and Father felt she needed to go back to the hospital - Rehab had no idea she was getting sicker. Infact, it appears that they never checked on her, all they did was give her pain medicine (I believe to keep her quiet).

After some tests it showed that she had developed 4 different infections.....C-Diff, MRSA, UTI, and Pseudomonos. She also had bed sores. She was admitted to the hospital on January 1, 2008. She continued to get worse, she couldn't eat at all and she was not lucid most of the time. We chose to have a feeding tube inserted through her nose to give her some nutrition but she pulled it out. The medicine wasn't working - we were told they could only treat one infection at a time. She was so sick and we were told she was dying. On January 15, 2008 we had to make a decision to have her moved to Hospice. She arrived there at 12:30 pm and we stayed there until 3:15am on January 16, 2008 when she died. I must say that Hospice is the most peaceful place on earth and I am thankful I was able to be with her right up to the moment of her passing.

My mother should not have died - The Rehab is to blame and my reason for writing is to hopefully save some other family from going through what we did. Lady Lake Specialty Rehab should be closed - the nurses have no idea as to how a person should be treated. They medicated her so they wouldn't have to take care of her - I believe what they did should be considered murder! My Mother was my best friend and they took her away because of their incompetence. Please if you have family or friends that need to go to Rehab - DO NOT let them go to Lady lake Specialty Rehab in Lady Lake Florida.