Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Snow Day

I live in CT and we are supposed to get lots of snow today (oh, how I hate that stuff). I am working from home today so I don't have to travel the 25 miles to work and then again 25 miles home.

I have some good news - Bob and I went to the Onocologist on Wednesday and we were told that they had removed all the cancer except one on a lymph node. They said that they cannot even put a cancer stage on what is left because it is so small. So, no chemo or anything else. Bob does have to have a CT Scan and a PET Scan so they will have a baseline. He will need to have that done every 6 months. I just hope they are right. The Dr. said that something else will kill Bob before the cancer! I am going to wait until the scans are done to actually feel the worst is over.

Today is our wedding anniversary - 16 years!

Thank God its Friday!

Its been a very long week! Nothing really going on but I am just so tired! Tired of worrying about Bob - he woke up early this morning (3am) with pain going down his left arm.....I thought heart attack but he kept saying "no" so of course we were awake the rest of the night - at 6:15am he said the pain had gone away (not sure I believe him) but I had to leave to go to work! I feel like such a loser - I should be home with him, I am worried with everything going on with him. I hope he is OK.
It has been a horrible year for me and I sure hope 2009 treats us better!

To hell with Cancer!

Nothing to say today except:

F # @ K

CANCER!!!!!

The "C" Word

The "C" Word SUCKS - my husband has a 12 inch incision on his belly and had 12 inches of small intestine removed last week - he had a blockage - the blockage was Carcinoid Cancer! They were able to remove all of it from the intestine but he has a mass on his lymph node which they were unable to remove because it is to close to an artery! Now we have to wait for the Oncology Dept at VA to call us for an appt to decide on what happens next. From everything I have read on the Internet - this type of cancer is very slow growing with a life expectancy of 5 - 20 years. The problem is that Bob has had this blockage going on for the past 3 years. I had told him to go to the Dr. everytime he had an attack but he wouldn't! I don't want anything to happen to him - I am scared and I want my Mom (she would know what to do) but since she passed away just about 1 year ago I am alone! I am so sad!

Say a Prayer

I am really not good about blogging - I don't understand how folks manage to blog everyday - I just can't find the time. My husband was taken to the VA Hospital Monday night for extreme pain in his stomach - he has been suffering for the past two weeks but refused to go until Monday. They put him in a room in the ER at 8PM and finally at 4AM they told me they were admitting him - I was so tired (I had hurt my shoulder last weekend and Monday my Dr gave me some pain med's and I had taken one just before Bob said he needed to go to the hospital) I finally left at 4:30 AM and of course I got lost for almost an hr before I found the Highway (geeze things look different in the dark)!

Bob has a blockage in his small bowels (the intestine is twisted) - they also found he has 3 small growths in there so I am praying they are nothing - he has been on Morphine since being admitted and he will have surgery Thursday.....I am praying everything will be OK.

Wed. Nov 5th

Nothing to say

Today's the Day!

My husband and I were in line to wote at 5:45 am today....done by 6:05 am. Now we just have to pray that the right Man wins! That would be John McCain!!!!

Obama for Prez (NO WAY!)

I work for a large Insurance Co in CT and they talk about how good Obama is and how bad McCain is – should I be shocked that it seems EVERYONE is a Democrat…..I am so tired of people talking crap about McCain and Palin…..I think that these people just don’t listen to what Obama is saying – they all think we will be living in a wonderful world if Obama wins – no war, no money problems (sure) Makes sense! NOT!!! I truly feel bad for our country if Obama and Biden get in – I think he has some “surprises” up his sleeve and I for one am very scared! We should all be afraid!

Sunny Florida

Good morning - I am down in Florida for a visit with my Dad - I will be here until Oct 3rd.....It is nice to be here but I still sit and wait for Mom to come into the kitchen.....I miss her so much still! Its been 8 months since she passed away but it still feels like yesterday. Dad looks good - but he gets the phatom pain so often in the stumps of his legs (he lost his legs over the years) I feel so bad for him because there is nothing anyone can do to ease the pain. Anyway, hope you all have a great day!

Happy Birthday Mom

Today's blog is dedicated to my Mother - she was not just my Mom she was my best friend and I miss her with all my heart! Happy Birthday Mom!!

9/11 You Will Never Be Forgotten!

Let us NEVER Forget!

Saturday Sept. 6th

I have been sick all week - now I have the nasty cough to deal with, so no sleep for me the past few days.

It has been a pretty interesting week what with the Republican Convention. I enjoyed watching Sarah Palin - I truly think having John McCain as President and Sarah Palin as Vice President will be a good thing for America. I believe that Obama isn't really what he pretends to be and that scares me! I don't believe him or trust him at all.
I am a proud American who supports our troops and all they do and Obama doesn't seem to feel that way! The picture of him just standing there while everyone else has their hand over their heart - what American would stand and not put his hand over his heart during the National Anthem.

Here is what the US Code says people should do during the National Anthem.


STATUTE-
(a) Designation. - The composition consisting of the words and music known as the Star-Spangled Banner is the national anthem.
(b) Conduct During Playing. - During a rendition of the national anthem -

(1) when the flag is displayed -
(A) all present except those in uniform should stand at attention facing the flag with the right hand over the heart;
(B) men not in uniform should remove their headdress with their right hand and hold the headdress at the left shoulder,the hand being over the heart; and
(C) individuals in uniform should give the military salute at the first note of the anthem and maintain that position until the last note; and

(2) when the flag is not displayed, all present should face toward the music and act in the same manner they would if the flag were displayed.

Sure looks like Obama doesn't know that!

New landscaping at the cemetery

Last Sunday I went to my Mom's (cemetery) and I had decided I needed to do a better job with the landscaping around her headstone. I worked on it for over 3 hours and I included my Gramma and Grampa in it. I am so pleased that it came out so nice so I am including a picture of it in this post.

It has been a little over 7 months since Mom passed away and I still miss her so much - it feels like it was just yesterday! I know she was getting tired and she was always in such pain with the Post Polio Syndrome. I know that she is running now and probably has taken over God's Throne! Mom was always the boss and I am sure that hasn't changed!

I hope she approves of the landscaping I did - I want her to be proud of me!

I love you Mom!

McCain & Palin 2008

I have never been into politics - up until this election but I am thrilled to death that John McCain has picked Sarah Palin as his VP! History in the making!

As for Jimmy Carter saying the most idiotic thing ever - that John McCain is milking the fact that he was a POW....how dare he say something that dumb! I think that Jimmy Carter should just go back to picking peanuts and leave us all alone! He dissed every member of the Armed Services and he deserves no respect from the American People for his stupidity!

August 20th

Because I must be honest I have to say I am back to smoking again. Geeze that didn't last long - I tried but my will power sucks and after one week I couldn't handle it anymore - I am such a weak person. I need a way to be able to quit and not go back to it......I am so sad and I feel like an idiot because of it. I have so much to live for and I know I am slowing killing myself! Someone please help me!

DAY 4

It has been 4 days since my very last cigarette! I quit without the use of patches, etc. I read the book I mentioned the other day and it really seemed to help. I do have cravings but they only last a minute or so...OK so I have millions of cravings but I am getting through! Its very strange to not smoke after 40 years of doing it.

I hope and pray I can continue to have the strength to stay away from these evil killers!!!!

Happy Friday

Its Friday - Thank Goodness! I am working from home again today. Monday my Dr put me on new BP medicine and yesterday my blood pressure dropped so low I felt like I would pass out. So, I won't be taking that again - back on the ones I was on before. I feel much better today but felt like just hanging out at home today. Also, I decided not to take the "Depression" med's anymore - not sure if those are making me feel worse. I just need to "get with it" and stop being such a baby. I'm still waiting for the Dr's office to call about my appt to get an Ultra Sound - they haven't called yet so I guess they don't think its very important! Anyway, I found a book on the internet by Allen Carr called "The easy way to stop smoking" the reviews are amazing so I ordered the book and will read it as soon as it comes in.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Monday July 28, 2008

I worked from home today because I had finally made a Dr Appt for a Physical....I haven't been feeling great for such a long time - tired, can't sleep, crying, and heart palpitations. My Blood Pressure is high, and after taking a little quiz it looks like I am suffering from depression - so, now I have blood pressure meds, depression med's and medicine for the awful Migraine Headaches. The Dr did a EKG and it looked OK - but she did find that my Carotid Artery was not making the "swishing" noise its supposed to make. So I have to go and have a Ultra Sound to see if its full of crap! OH CRAP! I also went and had a Chest X-Ray to see if everything is OK. I am a smoker (I've quit many times) you would think after seeing my Dad go through so much because of smoking (he had clogged arteries and he also develped Aterial Scerosis) - he has lost both legs because of the disease that I would have quit smoking on the spot. I have tired the patches, gum, hypnosis, acupuncture and the magnets for the ear - nothing works for very long.... So if anybody knows how I can quit please let me know. so, all in all it looks like I am falling apart! Lets hope things get better!

A Cloudy BUT Beautiful Saturday!

Today is Saturday, July 5th and it is a cloudy day but still lovely! Every day that I am alive is a good day. I have been so sad for so many months that I have decided to pack that away and start living my life again. I started working in my garden this summer and it looks beautiful! I am very proud of it!
I think that instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself that my Mom is gone I need to start making her proud of how I can carry on with my life.

One sad thing is that my husband and I planned to go on our yearly cruise with my son Jeff and his wife Heather but it has been a bad year for us - my husband Bob is retired and the money just isn't here - with the cost of gas going to $4.29 a gallon here in CT and the price of electricity, food, etc we just cannot justify using $3,000 to go away for a week. To have my pet sitter take care of my four animals would cost us $300, plus the cost of airfare - it just won't work for us. I am sad that we can't go but I think I will go to Florida during that time and see Dad! Life is good, my Dad is doing so well (I know he has sad times but he is carrying on) I am so proud of him!

My big wish is that we could win the Lotto - how I dream about not having to work, or worry about bills. How cool it would be to be able to do what I want when I want! I guess I should buy some tickets (Can't win if you don't play!)

My wish for today is that everyone be happy and enjoy life!!

Daily Grind

It sure is funny how life just goes on - we don't stop - we just keep going.....I am beginning to think I have a problem, I go to the cemetery so much and I had created a garden at Mom's headstone but I didn't like it so I tore it out and started over - I think this one is a keeper....I just want Mom to be proud of how I am keeping her resting spot!

Just need to say: I love you Mom!!!

Florida

Mom and Dad

I went down to Florida to spend the week with my father. What a hard trip this was because I haven't been here since Mom passed away. Sitting in the house I keep waiting for her to come around the corner or yell for me but it just doesn't happen......it has been nice spending time with Dad but it is so different being here without Mom. I hate that I have to leave tomorrow to go home and back to the daily grind......I will miss Dad so much but we did have a good week. I did gardening for him and cleaned the things he is unable to do (Dad is a double leg amputee) so he is unable to stand or walk. He gets around with a scooter and he does good. Mom was also in a scooter - she had Polio as a child and she lost the ablilty to walk about 8 years ago. Anyway, it has been a good week and I dread leaving tomorrow - it will be very teary eyed for me!

Happy Mother's Day (Not)

Happy Mother's Day to anyone that may read my blog!

Today is Mother's Day.....I got to go to the cemetery to say "Happy Mother's Day" to my Mom, I planted flowers and cried - I just miss her so much. I have to wonder, when I am gone will my family come to see me at the cemetery and plant flowers? Probably not! They are busy with their own lives and I do understand but, I feel like I have been stabbed in the heart!

I did receive cards - so they did remember I'm a Mom! I guess I am just depressed that I get to spend Mother's Day by myself.....I understand, they have wives and kids but I'm alone - I really wish I could be as good a Mom as my mother was - I loved spending time with her. She and I could laugh over anything - we were happy to have each other! That's why it must be me - I must have been an awful Mom to be alone on Mother's Day!

Oh well, I can just lay on the couch and hug my dogs and cats!

Ohhhhh, poor me - I am such a baby!

Memorial Service

Yesterday, April 26th we buried Mom's ashes. What an emotional day! I do feel that now I at least have someplace to go to feel closer to Mom. We had the service at 11 am and my son's and their families were there with my husband and I. I played the song "You will Never be forgotten" and it was beautiful. My husband and I stayed while the gentleman put the urn in the ground and covered it with dirt. I went back there at 6 PM and spent a while with Mom - talking and crying. I also went to other graves and visited with my Aunt Flo and my cousin Butch (who died in 1970 in VietNam). All in all it was a very sad day for me - but with closure. My Mom was the most respected and loved woman and I will always miss her.

Happiness

I woke up this morning thinking that it is time for me to move on - I have to enjoy life, its what Mom would want. I have a wonderful family, 2 sons, 2 daughter-inlaws, 5 grandchildren! What a joy. I babysat the other night for Katie (4) and Zach (5mths) and I had fun. To be young with no worries - I would love to be a child again. My husband has put up with my mood changes and he has been so understanding. I just want to say I love them all!

AHCA finds for LLSC

I knew this was going to happen - Florida Agency for Heathcare Administration sent a letter to me with their findings on Lady Lake Speciality Care in Florida. Here are the findings.

Investigations into your concerns about failing to provide assistance with turning, positioning, and incontinence, providing care and services to prevent the development and/or worsening of pressure sores, over medicating residents to keep them "quiet", assessing a change in condition, and preventing neglect were conducted at this time. Based on observations of care and services provided to current residents, interviews with residents and staff, review of clinical records including your Mother's record from both the facility and the hospital, and other facility documentaion to include facility policies, the facility was found to meet requirements for both the state and federal regulations that govern nursing homes as they relate to your concerns.

Did I expect they would side with me? No, I knew they would say everything is fine at LLSC. I need someone to explain why Mom had blisters, and sores on her back side, why she developed 4 infections and why she was left to sit in her own waste for hours at a time. Why did she get so sick in the 13 days she was there, why wasn't she sent back to the hospital and why did she die! If they think I am going to just accept their findings as fact they are crazy! I am going to any site that will allow me to tell my story - I have been going to sites that request ratings on facilities and I tell how they killed my Mother. I will not stop - I have become obsessed with putting this place out of business. If anyone has any ideas as to how I can get the word out please let me know.

Life goes on

I haven't written in a while - but I did write a letter to the Attorney General in Florida who directed my letter to AHCA which is the Agency for Health Care Administration. I had a conversation with the investigator for my case. Its been a couple of weeks but I was assured that she would be doing an onsite investigation at Lady Lake Specialty Care. I am praying that they find something that will prove that they killed my Mother with neglect! I also am hoping that nobody else has to die because of the uncaring Healthcare workers there. I don't really know if they will find anything (fear that LLSC has already changed paperwork)....I have no faith in the healthcare facilities anymore and it will be a cold day in hell before I would trust them to do anything for me....I would rather stay at home and deal with illness than take a chance of dying because they don't know how to wash their hands or sanitize items that have been used on others.....

A truly wonderful day

Nothing really new going on except that I actually had a good day today....I didn't cry once (well maybe once but not more than that)....its been 3 weeks since my Mom passed away and I still miss her but I am getting used to it......I am sure she is happy and she is watching over us so I feel blessed! Lets hope tomorrow is a good day too.

Mood Changes

Its Friday and I am working from home because I just can't go to work. I left work yesterday at 1pm because I suddenly realized that my best friend is really gone. I know she is in a better place but the pain I am feeling is so terrible. I guess realizing that Mom is gone is the first step to getting on with my life. If only I could stop crying - I'm not good at talking about my feelings but writing is so much easier. I hurt so bad and I know death is part of the life process but to lose the person who knew you best and loved you anyway is just so hard. I want to feel better but I am also afraid that if I feel better that means I am forgetting - and I never want to forget.

Another Day

I received one of the books I ordered - its called "When There Are No Words" its pretty interesting, it seems to make sense as to how a person feels when they are grieving- the fact that even breathing seems to be so hard. How driving a car is hard for a grieving person, all the things I am feeling. Talking and listening (not) to people - its like you are on remote control. Its not a big book so I think I will get through it. I am scared that I won't get over the grief. How long will people put up with such a depressing person.....I don't have much to say today so I will leave you with words from a song my daughter in law sent to me.

Never Forgotten - Jessica Andrews

I’ll always see your face

The corner of your smile

And all the little things that no one will ever know

Like it was yesterday, won’t ever fade away

Goodbye is just a word that I will never say

You will never be forgotten

A million days could pass us by

But what is time but just a dream

Oh I still feel you here with me

You’re more than just a memory

Oh you will never be forgotten

I can‘t hold your hand

Or look into your eyes

And when I talk to you

It just echoes in my mind

But If hearts are made of dust

And if we fell from the stars

I look up tonight and know just where you are

You will never be forgotten

A million days could pass us by

But what is time but just a dream

Oh I still feel you here with me

You’re more than just a memory

Oh you will never be forgotten

And the world just keeps on going

It has no way of knowing

That you’re gone

You will never be forgotten

A million days could pass us by

But what is time but just a dream

Oh I still feel you here with me

You’re more than just a memory

Oh you will never be forgotten

I Love You Mom

Not much to say today - I did get the price on the headstone so we are going to go with it. I went to work and I find that driving is the worst time for me - for no reason I start crying while I am driving.....I never knew that death could be so hard on the people left here - maybe because Mom was my best friend - infact she was my only friend! I just feel so darn lost - I feel bad if I laugh about something, I can't sit still - I just need to be busy all the time which isn't me because my favorite thing to do was to come home and lay on the sofa with my doggies - they know something is up too. At least I can say I have made it through another day. It will be 2 weeks Wednesday at 3:15am since my Mom left this world - I just hope she is happy in heaven! I love you Mom!

Monday

I made it through the day - wasn't sure I would. Today was a day that I cried over everything - my mind just keeps going back to the night my Mom passed. I can't get the image out of my mind - I wish I could have stopped it from happening, I wish I had been a better daughter - I wish for so many things! I wish I could have traded places with her - we used to talk about death and I always said I had to go first because I couldn't handle losing her, she'd say No the parent needs to go first......
I want this all to be a nightmare, please let me wake up and find out Mom is OK. I know things have to get better. I ordered a couple of books on how to deal with the death of your Mother - I hope it helps! I want to be happy that Mom is not in pain and she is with her Mom and Dad but I am selfish (I have always been) I want my Mommy! I wish I could sound happy and glad that I'm alive but I can't. Am I nuts? Maybe, probably!

Your Mother Is Always With You

Your Mother Is Always With You

Your mother is always with you...
She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street.
She's the smell of bleach in your freshly laundered socks.
She's the cool hand on your brow when you're not well.
Your mother lives inside your laughter. She's crystallized in every tear drop...
She's the place you came from,your first home.. She's the map you follow with every step that you take.
She's your first love and your first heartbreak....and nothing on earth can separate you.
Not time, Not space...Not even death....will ever separate you from your mother....
You carry her inside of you....
- Author Unknown.

Twins

Today my youngest son and his wife had me over to celebrate the girls 3rd birthday.....It was supposed to be last Sunday but they had postponed it because I wasn't getting home until Sunday Night from Florida. I sure thought that was nice of them. The girls are getting so big, and so is their big brother Elijah. My other grandchildren, Katie and Zachary were there - I couldn't believe how much Zach has grown (he is almost 4 mths old).....Katie had seen Great Gramma in a dream last week and she said Gram has wings and is an Angel......that made me feel good - I can't say I have been a big believer in the after life but what a good feeling to think that Mom is up in Heaven and she already has her wings. Mom couldn't walk before she passed away because of Polio and I have been thinking that Mom is probably running and in no pain but now I can see her as an Angel and I know she must be loving it.....

Funeral Homes and Headstones

Well today I went to the Funeral Home to find out how I go about having the cemetery plot opened in Mid April so we can have Mom's ashes buried. They were so helpful to me during this really stressful time. Then I had to go to the Memorial store and get a headstone - my gosh there are so many choices but I knew what I wanted because I had gone to the cemetery yesterday and took pictures of my Grandfather's headstone - now I just need to wait for the store to go to the cemetery and measure, etc. So, it looks like I will need to have Mom's ashes shipped to CT in April so my sons, their wives and children can join my husband and I at the cemetery.....Mom chose not to have a wake or funeral - she always said "see me when I'm alive not when I'm dead" so I'm just going to have my family join us to say good bye to the best woman in the world.
She really raised my sons - I was a single Mom for many years and Mom always watched them for me - in fact when I worked two jobs I went to work at 8am and didn't come home until 10pm the boys slept at her house and came home on weekends. The reason my two sons grew up to be such wonderful men is all because of my Mom.
I am feeling so depressed today - I thought after all the crying I had done over the past three weeks that I could move on but today is the day I am remembering everything my Mom meant to me - I loved her so much and I just don't know how to move on. People act as if I should be over it - "she was 78 - she lived a long life" 78 is not that old (now that I am 52) she didn't have to die, she was murdered by the HealthCare we have for the elderly - I want to scream and kick and what I really feel like doing is to roll into a ball and die!
I hear people talk about their parents and what pains they are and how forgetful they have become and I would give anything to have my Mom here and able to be a pain! How do I get though this? How do I go on? I know I have to because I have grandchildren and I love them but I know I cannot ever be as good a mother or grandmother as my Mom - It sounds like I am making my Mom out to be a saint but to me she was. We talked every night of the week and we enjoyed it - it wasn't an obligation for me to call - I looked forward to talking to her and hearing about her day......Oh well, I think I'm just going to go for a walk and try to clear my head.

Lady Lake Specialty Rehab

I have decided that I need to write about the death of my Mother - Trudy L. Mom was a great woman and she died way to soon because of the care given to the elders of our great USA!

On December 16, 2007 my Mom got sick and was admitted to The Villages Regional Hospital in The Villages, Florida. She was there only a few days but because she had Polio when she was younger and could no longer walk, she needed to go to Lady lake Specialty Rehab to build up her arm muscles so she could move from her scooter to her bed, etc.

I talked to her every evening but noticed that she seemed to be getting weaker each day. She was tired and she just didn't feel well. After 13 days my sister and Father felt she needed to go back to the hospital - Rehab had no idea she was getting sicker. Infact, it appears that they never checked on her, all they did was give her pain medicine (I believe to keep her quiet).

After some tests it showed that she had developed 4 different infections.....C-Diff, MRSA, UTI, and Pseudomonos. She also had bed sores. She was admitted to the hospital on January 1, 2008. She continued to get worse, she couldn't eat at all and she was not lucid most of the time. We chose to have a feeding tube inserted through her nose to give her some nutrition but she pulled it out. The medicine wasn't working - we were told they could only treat one infection at a time. She was so sick and we were told she was dying. On January 15, 2008 we had to make a decision to have her moved to Hospice. She arrived there at 12:30 pm and we stayed there until 3:15am on January 16, 2008 when she died. I must say that Hospice is the most peaceful place on earth and I am thankful I was able to be with her right up to the moment of her passing.

My mother should not have died - The Rehab is to blame and my reason for writing is to hopefully save some other family from going through what we did. Lady Lake Specialty Rehab should be closed - the nurses have no idea as to how a person should be treated. They medicated her so they wouldn't have to take care of her - I believe what they did should be considered murder! My Mother was my best friend and they took her away because of their incompetence. Please if you have family or friends that need to go to Rehab - DO NOT let them go to Lady lake Specialty Rehab in Lady Lake Florida.