Monday July 28, 2008

I worked from home today because I had finally made a Dr Appt for a Physical....I haven't been feeling great for such a long time - tired, can't sleep, crying, and heart palpitations. My Blood Pressure is high, and after taking a little quiz it looks like I am suffering from depression - so, now I have blood pressure meds, depression med's and medicine for the awful Migraine Headaches. The Dr did a EKG and it looked OK - but she did find that my Carotid Artery was not making the "swishing" noise its supposed to make. So I have to go and have a Ultra Sound to see if its full of crap! OH CRAP! I also went and had a Chest X-Ray to see if everything is OK. I am a smoker (I've quit many times) you would think after seeing my Dad go through so much because of smoking (he had clogged arteries and he also develped Aterial Scerosis) - he has lost both legs because of the disease that I would have quit smoking on the spot. I have tired the patches, gum, hypnosis, acupuncture and the magnets for the ear - nothing works for very long.... So if anybody knows how I can quit please let me know. so, all in all it looks like I am falling apart! Lets hope things get better!

A Cloudy BUT Beautiful Saturday!

Today is Saturday, July 5th and it is a cloudy day but still lovely! Every day that I am alive is a good day. I have been so sad for so many months that I have decided to pack that away and start living my life again. I started working in my garden this summer and it looks beautiful! I am very proud of it!
I think that instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself that my Mom is gone I need to start making her proud of how I can carry on with my life.

One sad thing is that my husband and I planned to go on our yearly cruise with my son Jeff and his wife Heather but it has been a bad year for us - my husband Bob is retired and the money just isn't here - with the cost of gas going to $4.29 a gallon here in CT and the price of electricity, food, etc we just cannot justify using $3,000 to go away for a week. To have my pet sitter take care of my four animals would cost us $300, plus the cost of airfare - it just won't work for us. I am sad that we can't go but I think I will go to Florida during that time and see Dad! Life is good, my Dad is doing so well (I know he has sad times but he is carrying on) I am so proud of him!

My big wish is that we could win the Lotto - how I dream about not having to work, or worry about bills. How cool it would be to be able to do what I want when I want! I guess I should buy some tickets (Can't win if you don't play!)

My wish for today is that everyone be happy and enjoy life!!

Daily Grind

It sure is funny how life just goes on - we don't stop - we just keep going.....I am beginning to think I have a problem, I go to the cemetery so much and I had created a garden at Mom's headstone but I didn't like it so I tore it out and started over - I think this one is a keeper....I just want Mom to be proud of how I am keeping her resting spot!

Just need to say: I love you Mom!!!

Florida

Mom and Dad

I went down to Florida to spend the week with my father. What a hard trip this was because I haven't been here since Mom passed away. Sitting in the house I keep waiting for her to come around the corner or yell for me but it just doesn't happen......it has been nice spending time with Dad but it is so different being here without Mom. I hate that I have to leave tomorrow to go home and back to the daily grind......I will miss Dad so much but we did have a good week. I did gardening for him and cleaned the things he is unable to do (Dad is a double leg amputee) so he is unable to stand or walk. He gets around with a scooter and he does good. Mom was also in a scooter - she had Polio as a child and she lost the ablilty to walk about 8 years ago. Anyway, it has been a good week and I dread leaving tomorrow - it will be very teary eyed for me!

Happy Mother's Day (Not)

Happy Mother's Day to anyone that may read my blog!

Today is Mother's Day.....I got to go to the cemetery to say "Happy Mother's Day" to my Mom, I planted flowers and cried - I just miss her so much. I have to wonder, when I am gone will my family come to see me at the cemetery and plant flowers? Probably not! They are busy with their own lives and I do understand but, I feel like I have been stabbed in the heart!

I did receive cards - so they did remember I'm a Mom! I guess I am just depressed that I get to spend Mother's Day by myself.....I understand, they have wives and kids but I'm alone - I really wish I could be as good a Mom as my mother was - I loved spending time with her. She and I could laugh over anything - we were happy to have each other! That's why it must be me - I must have been an awful Mom to be alone on Mother's Day!

Oh well, I can just lay on the couch and hug my dogs and cats!

Ohhhhh, poor me - I am such a baby!

Memorial Service

Yesterday, April 26th we buried Mom's ashes. What an emotional day! I do feel that now I at least have someplace to go to feel closer to Mom. We had the service at 11 am and my son's and their families were there with my husband and I. I played the song "You will Never be forgotten" and it was beautiful. My husband and I stayed while the gentleman put the urn in the ground and covered it with dirt. I went back there at 6 PM and spent a while with Mom - talking and crying. I also went to other graves and visited with my Aunt Flo and my cousin Butch (who died in 1970 in VietNam). All in all it was a very sad day for me - but with closure. My Mom was the most respected and loved woman and I will always miss her.

Happiness

I woke up this morning thinking that it is time for me to move on - I have to enjoy life, its what Mom would want. I have a wonderful family, 2 sons, 2 daughter-inlaws, 5 grandchildren! What a joy. I babysat the other night for Katie (4) and Zach (5mths) and I had fun. To be young with no worries - I would love to be a child again. My husband has put up with my mood changes and he has been so understanding. I just want to say I love them all!